Headlines | Scotland Promotes Self-Identification

Scotland | Culture | Woke | 14 August 2021

Children as young as 4 allowed to self-identify.

Scotland has announced that children as young as four will be allowed to self-identify without their parents permission. This decision will result in a radical overhaul of the education system to accommodate the new reality.

Children will be able to self-identify as anything they wish as otherwise their human rights will be compromised. This has already resulted in some strange choices.

Scottish mum Isla Filmacavity told FNN:

It's messin' we ma heed. Ma wean came haem from school and told us that he was identifying as a Gerbil and demanded a bed of sawdust and an exercise wheel in his bedroom.

A Scottish teacher commented:

We are having to include identification clinics in the daily school curriculum and hire a vet to look after the kiddies health as most of them are identifying as dogs and cats while a few prefer more exotic options such as being an Alpaca like Geronimo.

As they grow up we expect them to change their identity quite often. In reality, there will be very little time left to teach them anything as we will be coping with a menagerie of identities in the classroom.

Conservative campaigner Bill "Battler" Heslop told FNN:

This is just a way of getting kids used to having wierdos in their toilets and changing rooms so they are prepared for adulthood. They won't be running a school they'll be running a zoo. It's a f**kin disgrace! 

Hey Muriel. Fetch me a tinny. I'm parched!

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