Headlines | Museum to Repaint Statues

UK | Culture | Woke | 25 August 2021

Cambridge Museum stocking up on paint.

Following complaints from the university's classics faculty that its statues do not reflect the diversity of the ancient world, the Cambridge University Museum of Classical Archaeology had originally opted to add helpful signs to explain the 'whiteness' of its plaster-cast busts and statues and point out that they give a 'misleading' impression of the ancient world.

However, in a surprising change of policy, the Museum has now announced that the signs will be abandoned and instead all its statues and busts will be painted green.

A museum spokesperson told FNN:

We accept that the use of white plaster could be offensive to some people and in order to avoid triggering these people and giving them mental health issues, we have decided to paint all our artefacts green.

Green is the most diverse colour for humans as there are no green humans so it will be impossible for anyone - of any race or colour - to be offended by it.

Of course we accept that on-one in the ancient world was actually green but we think this is the easiest way to avoid antagonising anyone who is under the delusion that our artefacts imply that everyone in the ancient world was white.

EU spokesperson Ursula von Richthofen commented:

The EU has already ordered millions of litres of green paint to begin a wholesale repainting of all similar busts and statues across all museums in the EU. If they do not re-paint their artefacts their funding will be withdrawn. Das ist ein befehl!

We are currently negotiating where to locate our green paint lake as there's no way we want all that toxic product stored in Germany.

It's likely to be located in Italy or Greece since they are largely responsible for all these misleading representations of Europeans from the ancient world.

Vorsprung durch Teknik! 

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