Headlines | SAGE Uncovered

UK | Health | COVID | 21 August 2021

The SAGE advisory body turns out to be...

The UK's covid advisory body SAGE has been revealed to be ... a blancmange!

A cleaner in one of the central government's office buildings discovered a top-secret room in the basement and when they peeked inside they saw a giant pink blancmange - picture a Jabba the Hut-like creature - pulsating away in the middle of the room.

The SAGE blancmange is directly connected to the Internet with a cable. This is how it informs the government of its 'scientific' decisions, which sound a bit like a fart when they are made following a spasm of significant wobbling.

In front of the blancmange is a massive screen with hundreds of TV feeds displaying programming from all over over the globe, which is presumably how SAGE monitors world events to aid in its decision making. Strangely, the cleaner reported that most of the screens were either showing cartoons or porn. But who are we to question the data inputs used by SAGE?

A government spokesperson told FNN:

The idea that SAGE is a blancmanage is quite preposterous. Yes, we admit there is a giant blancmange in a basement but this is just a lab experiment and nothing to do with SAGE or covid. 

The experiment is being managed by the Army's 77th Brigade who are trying to research how easy it is to grow a blancmange from just a single packet of Angel Delight food mix as a way to generate desserts for troops in the field.

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